Sometimes I find myself sitting down and letting myself pin everything down as tremendously unfair. I like to let myself think that this is all going to end soon, this waste of time and the unmistakable clenching of my heart. My breath gets caught up in my throat for no reason and it does not feel good. 

It never does.  How can it when it's for something so... difficult?

Like, why can some people be where they wanna be, study what they wanna study and score so well? Why can't I be in their shoes too and maybe, just maybe, wake up one morning and anticipate the classes throughout the day? I am trying so hard to push away all the negative emotions. I manage well, most of the time. I find myself joining events and activities I shouldn't even be in due to my flailing fall in exam results and my already empty hours in school. It's stupid, and very ungrateful of me to complain about something which so many people want but for unavoidable reasons, cannot have - school. 

They're the same phrases all the time:

"Untungla suda tu dapat sana, girl."

"Wah! Bagusnya kau dapat Sains."

"You're so lucky man, only smart people get to study Foundation in Science."

"At least you get to go there, I don't even have shit." 

"Bah apalagi, future doctor bah ni."

No, I am not smart enough. Nor am I lucky. 

How can you feel smart enough, feel lucky enough when you're at a place where you're the only fish trying to climb a tree? Sure, people keep saying to study harder, read more books, do more research on the topics you don't understand, study harder. As to becoming a doctor, I am not gifted in that field of study. I am not gifted to be studying Science and all it's glory. I just find is so frustrating when people keep saying stuff like 

"Punya sayang anak si *****, suda dapat science tapi mau juga jadi cikgu."

"Really? Drop out? Kenapa, tidak cukup pintar la tu."

I am honestly so tired of the mentality nowadays. Not pointing fingers, just stating what I feel and if it's wrong, whatever. It's bullshit. Really it is.  

Some people say by having just passion, it will take you nowhere. What about zero passion, does it take anyone anywhere? Efforts are needed, regardless of where you are, what you do and how much money you've got stashed up in the bank. If you don't work for it, it's never gonna come. That's common knowledge and although I oppose so much for having to comply with so many old-school mentalities, I still believe that diligence is key. 

Apa-apa pun yang mahu dicapai, mesti kerja keras kan.
But macamana mau kerja keras for something which doesn't see eye-to-eye to where you know your potential lies, to where you know you excel the best?

But even if a fish tries to get out of the water, let alone climb a tree, it's gonna die. It's going to live all its life thinking that it never could beat anyone else, that all it did in life was to fail. 

I struggle everyday, but goddamn it I still work my ass off trying to find reasons to not piss off every second I get. I try to find a small speck of light somewhere. But I can't keep living like this. I cannot keep living under shadows of people who already have goals, are in the right fields and working their asses off trying to compete for something I don't even know where to start from. 

How do you start over and reset? 

How do you leave a lifelong passion and come up with another one in a matter of months? 

Because I don't know how, and I am done trying to squirm my way out of piles of shit. 

I am done.

♡ Week
♡ On nights where the moon shines brighter than it...
♡ Rewind, Stop, Forward.
♡ It sears the heart inside and out, branding itself...
♡ Waves
♡ Silence
♡ Page one
♡ Claustrophobia
♡ Soliloquy
♡ Slow Dancing