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soliloquy; ephemeral landings
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Posted on Sunday, 24 May 2015 @ Sunday, May 24, 2015
I find it so hard these days to express how I really feel towards a situation, be it something as small as not knowing what to eat. It's stupid, really. But lately all I feel is anger, anxiety, sadness and empty blank spaces in between. It's so weird because I've never felt this way before and to be honest it's scaring me. All I feel like doing is to sleep or go out and be around people but it doesn't work anyway because the shit comes back after that.It's like going on a a roller coaster. The thrill only exists in the moment of utter chaos and speed and screams, anything that makes a noise. Then when it dies down you're left with the exhausting aftermath of something that's suddenly turned so quiet. But that's not the accurate metaphor to this. I don't know. It's that feeling where no matter how buzzy and loud everything around me is, it's always strangely quiet. I see objects of mechanism, not emotions. It's so bland and blank. So robotic. I'm always so angry. Like pissed, mad, annoyed. I don't know why. Most of the time it becomes a sort of sadness where it's so difficult to breathe through the heat and the racing of my heart for nothing at all. One minute it's a calm wave, another minute everything goes haywire and I don't know what to do, where to run, who to tell. I try explaining but after a sentence of two I get so angry because no one understands. It's always "Yeah, it will pass." or "Maybe you're just stressed because of that now." Yeah maybe I am. But it's just annoying, you know, to be hearing all of the useless reasoning. I don't even bother elaborating because it's pointless. See even now my blood is starting to boil because I cannot tolerate the fact that some people expect you to be chill about everything. I really don't know what to say anymore because I don't know what to say. That's it. I want to keep my emotions to myself because even if you keep telling me to "let it out" and "Well Belle maybe it's better to let it out than keep it in because maybe that's what's bothering you? Keeping it in?" Like I appreciate offers to lend a listening ear. But saying stuff like "You need to tell someone, Belle." or sometimes pestering me to answer questions I think I've explained a thousand times doesn't help. I appreciate it, but it's not the right time or the right place to be validating feelings. I am in a rut, a huge fucked up mess. Do not expect me to comfort or to confirm anything that sides to your benefit in what you want me to say or what you want to hear. Because I currently have no time to be a mom and say stuff I think I've said more than enough times. I'm tired, so tired. Everyday I battle things I don't even know how it's gonna end. I don't know how else to say "I'm fucked up and I need to solve my shit" in a million other ways because it doesn't matter. Nothing can fix it, no one can fix it. It's just the way it is. Some shit are meant to be solved individually. Just don't make things harder for those who are currently getting their life back together. |
Kaleidoscope of Craziness
I write to change, to express, to share. All pictures are mine, unless stated. Enjoy roaming around ;) Some people are destined to sing. To act. To host a talk show. To become a songwriter for recording artistes. To take phenomenal pictures from around the world. To teach. To heal and to nurse. To be in an orchestra or to play an instrument by the streets to entertain the weary passerbys. Everyone is destined to be an individual who'll change the lives of others someday in their own unique way to touch hearts and heal broken ones. Everyone has a destiny, a road to walk and a path to remember when you're old and sitting by the fireplace, reminiscing the old times. I believe mine, is to write. FOLLOW INSTAGRAM TWITTER Tweets
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