I think I've been trying hard not to let myself sink in this drowning sea of negative thoughts these few weeks, I think la. I've also been trying to initiate baby steps to be #positive (Pam and I use that hashtag whenever we feel like something's gonna go upside down. We either turn it into random humour or reason out the situation. It helps occasionally) and saving a friendship worth saving. As the days pass by I still see myself thinking way too much at night, but the thoughts that were once lethal are now gradually subsiding to thoughts that include branches and paths of reasonable back up plans and ways to get myself out of deep shit. Someone told me once that I tend to make too many plans and never getting to them. Well, I was on my way. Not quite there yet, but on my way. Nevertheless, I'm trying to find the positive light to each situation. Of course, most of the time I still thrash around and curse everything around me because I let my anger and frustration build up in huge bottles. I realise that I do let myself drown in depression, that I do let myself eat my heart up when shit happens, that I do deny the fact that things might some day get better. I think one year of doing all that has turned into a horrible, unshakable habit. I can't quite remember how it all become such a huge mess, but it was something built up over time. Brick building now, though. Bit by messy bit.